The theory behind the method says that each of us finds a partner who requires what we reveal as part of our nature to re-claim their whole self, and vice versa. Our partner becomes the healer of our past pains.

Harville Hendrix, PhD, maintains that everyone can create a healing, loving relationship, often without ongoing therapy. The refreshing discovery is that his method is not just an interesting theory, but a practical system with skills to practice and worksheets to assist you.

The basic assumption of this method says that a committed relationship and marriage is not only a goal, but it has a mission. That mission is to help each other heal the childhood ‘wounds' that absolutely everyone carries within. Each of us has wounds. One does not have to have been abused or neglected as a child to be wounded, even a happy childhood carries wounding. "Children," said Freud, "are creatures that are never satiated, and there is no parent in the world who can react perfectly to the changing needs of the children."

Hendrix maintains that not only are the frustrations we experience as adults actually tied to unfulfilled needs or other hurts in our childhood, but that choosing our partner is a consequence of our unconscious desire to heal or repair those wounds. Our unconscious seeks the person who, on the surface, looks the least capable of giving us what we need most, primarily because that person is very much like our parents or other childhood caregivers.

According to Hendrix, none of us are aware of this process because it comes out of our 'old brain', our unconscious.

To differentiate, what we call the 'new brain' includes the part of our brain that is conscious, that makes decisions, that thinks, that organizes information, and creates ideas. The 'old brain' guards our existence and monitors our environment, inside and out, in order to ensure our survival. It recognizes only two conditions, "danger" and "safety". It is like a sensitive radar system that signals the alert. It's goal is survival and it will not take unnecessary chances. Like in war, an airplane that has been identified as a dangerous enemy will be attacked. An airplane that is determined to be safe, and identified as an ally, will be granted permission to enter our air space.
 

The 'old brain' recognizes the sense of safety and security from those people who took care of us and influenced us from the moment we were born, even conceived.

Every one of us carries within a picture or image that is actually a combination of the positive and negative characteristics of all these people and their attitudes toward us. This image is called the 'Imago'.

Romantic attraction, falling in love, depends very much on a potential partner's conformity to that image. The moment we meet somebody, the 'old brain' has its own agenda and checks to see if the characteristics of this person match what we already know. The chance of 'falling in love' grows proportionately as the conformity of the partner to the unconscious image increases.

Why does our unconscious look for and find the person, who to the conscious mind, appears to be the least likely to be able to give us what we are looking for?

It is because the image that we hold inside consists not only of the positive qualities of caretakers, but also of the negative that we have experienced. At first glance, it looks like a trap: Why should we go again to those places that hurt us?

In a logical, conscious choice of a partner, we were supposed to look for someone who could compensate for what we did not receive from our caretakers-certainly not for someone who would act just like them! For example, if a person was wounded through parents who were not reliable and trustworthy, one would think they would look for a partner they could easily trust. Someone who had a parent that was very over-protective should look for someone who would allow them freedom.

This is not what happens. The process of choosing our partner is governed far more by the unconscious. Our chosen partner becomes a mirror image of ourselves.