What causes relationships to fall apart?

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Jun 19, 2018
Carol Dixon talks about how Hedy Schleifer’s workshops and training changed her life
Jul 4, 2018

What causes relationships to fall apart?

Today I was doing an interview for SABC News on the latest divorce statistics in SA which you can find here (I’ll hopefully be sent the link to the interview in the next few days which I will share in my next newsletter).

The research found that 4 out of 10 marriages end in divorce before their 10th anniversary and that couples aged 35-39 tend to opt for divorce more than other age groups.

This happens for a number of reasons: Generations ago marriages used to hit a rocky patch between 7-9yrs, usually because children had come along and the dynamics of the relationship had changed. Today we see this happening as early as 3-5yrs into the relationship. In today’s modern world we have much more choice and options available to us, young people are waiting a lot longer until they get married as they are choosing to follow their career paths and experience life by traveling so are choosing to settle down later.

Social media also plays a large influencing role as we tend to live through the eyes of what we see posted on social media which is not always the reality. Everyone posts how wonderful their life is but the truth is, every person goes through down times but we don’t talk about it or share it, especially not on social media. We want to create the perception that life is just peachy.

One of the biggest reasons why relationships fall apart is because over time we lose the connection (driven by the lack of communication) in our relationships and we drift apart. When this happens, conflict steps in and if not resolved successfully can lead to resentment. And when resentment sets in, it can fester for years before it finally explodes like a volcano.

Resentment comes when we feel unappreciated, disappointed, angry, or hurt. It can come about as a result from how we interact in our relationships (personal or professional) naming, blaming, shaming, fault-finding, criticising, feeling taken advantage of, feeling unappreciated or invisible and so much more.

Whatever has caused resentment can be hugely destructive over time, and sadly many couples seek help or throw in the towel when they are at this stage. That doesn’t mean you can’t come back from this phase, it’s just a lot harder and by now many couples are feeling wounded, emotionally drained and shut down so rather opt out.

When I work with couples and see resentment that has been building for a long time I know it’s going to be a long journey as there is soooo much stuff we have to deal with and resolve first before we can start staking a step forward in the relationship because if we don’t resolve the underlying issues, we’re merely sticking a band-aid over the wound hoping it will heal itself which it doesn’t. Change is a process and there is no one size fits all as all couples and relationships are different.

So if this sounds like you and your relationship or if you’ve gone through a divorce or break-up and are wanting to understand why, then you definitely should be booking your seat on the Building Relationships Workshop on Sat 30 June 13:30-17:00. It’s an afternoon’s sacrifice that could result in a life time of connection and healthy vs. destructive relationships. So what have you got to lose? Take a risk and book your seat today.

Warmly
Paula Quinsee 

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